Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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