I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
birth control should be required to get into college
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
