dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
