I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
