There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
