Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
