Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
