I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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