I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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