i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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