I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
