my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
