My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
