I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
