census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
