just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
