I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
