Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
