I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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