I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
worst night to have a conscience
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
