He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
