Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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