You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
