8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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