remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
