as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
