i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
