Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Randomize
