All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
