I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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