she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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