The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
