wakey wakey hands off snakey
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
