I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
