Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
