great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
