good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
