I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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