I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
