my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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