My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I deserve this hangover.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize