we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
