I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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