she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
