Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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