Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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