You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
