I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Randomize
