I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
