I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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